Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Monday, May 02, 2011
im a sadist..confirmed by my couz..
im a beast..worst than a bitch and a monster and a hor...its all combined as one..
im also the black sheep fo the family...learnt that phrase from an old song...
i want to post the depressed thingy again but it wud be boring so im going to say it all here and now...
yesterdayng hi
at the outlet butiki already nt happy with my shouting at him the prev nite in the cab and was moody wit his gf and i made it worse by forcing him away frm the tray and serving the drinks myself..
since b4 muni left i realized the grudge i hold fer him was so wrong of me coz there are more things that i dunno bout being a sup & tot i was so much better than him and kept bullying him allthe way..
started when i was at the host stand and he came to me saying i shd be sup...
reminded me of my very gd fren hninn being promoted to sup that time wrking with her @ dte..
then recalled mr sim trying to train me to be sup & i kept denying i was eva gd..
then mak started telling how she felt bout me wrking in f&b..
then pop ran away & i broke down @ dte...
requested to leave for home coz i cudnt take nt always being hm wen all my aunt & couzs @ hm hving fun while i sweat trying to pay off my own bills...
tink tt happened b4 hninn was promo..
then moved to cine & the gdbyes was uh so torturing...
i wrked @ cine wen i 1st started & was nt so bonded wit the ppl dr so moving to dte was nt all bad...
but dr making such nice frenz & hving them teach me right frm wrong wen none @ hm does...hurts jus tinking bout it..
moving back to cine i met sophie..
i intro her to hninn & we became the best of pals...
i wanna cry now..
nt being able to see sophie off was the most painful & self-unforgivable gdbye i eva hv & had in my entire lifetime...
gd ting ah joo & mr sim was able to keep me living..
hninn too & jonas & all other juniors & seniors i had..
it was and is a learning journey i can nvr forget..
back @ cine i cudnt take maks pressure of asking me wrk "normal job"..
i left & wrking others...
i applied @ ayah ofc wer i learnt was vv political & most boring job eva..
i joined pp same time @ mak tried so vv hard to support me but mentionin pop was uh so damn hurtful...
im part of him i hv to live wit tt..
he keeps disappearing & suddenly appearing...
u may say im used to it...how can i? get used to it? how cud i?
i hate this...i hate him...as mu7ch as i lurve i hate him a whole lot...
tt hurts too....
cine closed & 2 mths central opened...i gave up pp & wrked fer mr sim again..
my forever beloved menthor & brother...
the only brother who cares enough bout me....
there i made new frenz...very fun @ first but i took advtage..
became close with alison & jovice & the myanmmar ppl...
soph was still ard then...it was so fun...
then she left & my world turn upside down inside out...
then i met my beloved daughter...
whom i loved so dearly and thought it could really last forever with no changes...
im an S so i hate changes...
sionce young we've been moving here & there ...
i hv been transferred to schs dozens of times....
as a pri sec sch student changing tt muich schs & houses wun do u any gd..
all my life i hv been quiet...u say no? i ask how much damn thing u know bout me?
i dun hv frenz...nvr had much of a teenage life till i started wrking...
then i started lepaking wit hir & gang..
back to central...
i felt left out coz myanmmar gang always ask soph club then she wud ask me...
once she left there was no contact wadsoeva..
till jovice stead her guy then i went wit her...without her im nothing to them...juz another hor freak...
then i started dating and broke up & make out with two guys in between...then back to dating & i fell in love..
then tis guy muz fall in love wit me..stress siol...
everytime @ wrk he muz make meaningless jokes & yes im trying so vv hard to endure it but honestly im a bitch who dont like it okay so stop tt fucking damn jokes bout loving & wanting me & marriage & such bullshits....
back to butiki...i regret..i really do much regret everything i hv said to you...im sorry..so damn fucking sorry..
to poh choo...being with you i was so very happy coz im a sadist...for real i am...seeing you hurt yes i care and wants you to stop but deep inside i was enlightened that there was at least another out there sufferring like me...thanks alot & im so very sorry to leave you now but seriously if i cont i will surely break down & i dun wanna do wad i did @ dte 2 yrs ago...seriouly i dun..
while all these happen @ hm mak wants to move hse again for no freaking reason...
shes nvr satisfied wit wadeva shit tt comes to her life..
in pri sch shes nvr congrated me or maybe she did but i dun rmb it coz it was divorce period...
ain breaks down alot & i had to be strong nt to be too depressed...
they say i was shy but the teachers so damn knows tts nt the case..
fell in love with i tot was a gd fren...
but like i said im a sadist so shes problematic tts y i stick to her...
like my daughter she & her best fren which is so nt me slashes her arms...
tt period i was suicidal so im nt sure how i stayed alive till now...
i rmb i wud go to a bridge nearby & think of dropping onto the cars..then & hm i wud stand near the wide open window but cn nvr jump coz n wud be dr...din wan witnesses...
likes to knock my head super hard against the wall wen i feel sad...esp if i hurt mak...
hate me coz im part of pop but sumtimes it juz comes naturally i juz cant help it...like my first reaction wud make mak mad coz reminds her of pop & always saying im like him but i shdnt follow him but like tts me nt him...i hate it..
im reminicsing the past coz i feel so depressed since maks temper keep rising few wks back....
wad happen?
i kept skipping hsewrk & nt helping mak wen @ hm & alwasy come hm late & always go out wit pop without telling her...
tt day i went wit him to johor she had to call & scold me on hp...
then msg me wen watching movie wit pop in spore asking is im nt gonna be helping @ all moving hse...
i go hm completely ignored her coz i was disappointed mum dee came & i cant talk private wit pop...
she got mad i cried in shower like a baby...
cried the whole nite...morning mak had to call & shout on hp while i was in bus otw to werk...
yupp it was since then...
pop has been trying but nt hard ebuf coz old habits die hard to change...but he & i clearly knows it wun repent his past sins..nvr will...
y im putting all my feelings here is coz im too damn used to keep stuff to myself tt i cant bring myslef to say th erite words wen im trying hard to tell my feelings out to my frenz....
& i hv to bottle up all my stuff coz i only meet themm like few mths maybetwice a yr...
im so sad u know..juz so fucking sad.... Love is a great thing
If only you knew..
Published at 12:39 AM